FALSE PROFITS
Episode 47
Part D

 

Voyager by the Barzan wormhole which has been attracted into opening here.

Voyager's Briefing Room. Paris: "We can't just leave the Ferengi there to continue exploiting those poor people." Chakotay: "But Arridor is right: we can't just kidnap their gods either." Neelix: "What other option is there?" Janeway: "What if the gods didn't just disappear suddenly and inexplicably? What if they left voluntarily, gracefully?" Chakotay: "The gods would be gone but the people would be prepared for it, and they might accept it as a natural ordained occurrence." Janeway: "Exactly." Paris: "And how do we get two Ferengi to just walk away from a monopoly on an entire economy?" Janeway: "What motivates a Ferengi?" Paris: "Profit." Tuvok: "Then we must find a way to make it more profitable for them to leave." Janeway: "Or less profitable to stay." Neelix: "How do we do that?" Janeway: "We have to out-Ferengi the Ferengi."

Arridor: "Hmm. There we are. I've reconfigured the matter-antimatter generator to produce an ionic disruption field around the Temple square." Kol, gleefully: "No more unexpected beam-outs." Arridor: "Let's see how smart those Hu-mons think they are now." There is a banging on the door.

Arridor: "Kafar!" Kafar enters. "You called, Great Sage?" Arridor: "Find out who has the audacity to disturb us in our Divine Vault." As Kafar turns to do his bidding, Kol shouts at him: "Oh, and make it quick!" Kafar goes and opens the door, calling through it: "Who has the audacity to disturb the Holy Sages in their Divine Vault?"

A hand comes through the door and places a staff upright for Kol and Arridor to see.

Arridor and Kol are shocked. "Grand Nagus!"

Neelix enters. He is disguised as a Ferengi, an important and wealthy one. "Not the Grand Nagus. I'm his official messenger, the Grand Proxy!"

Arridor and Kol rush over to him, fall on their knees and reverently kiss the head of the staff. Arridor: "But Grand Proxy, how did you-?"

Neelix: "Through the Barzan wormhole. The Hu-mons stabilised it temporarily and were kind enough to send a probe through, informing us of your impressive operation."

Arridor thinks quickly. Pretending humility: "Well, of course, the Grand Nagus, or his official messenger the Grand Proxy, is always welcome in our little world, our rather poverty-stricken little world," Kol nods vigorously in support, "and we're thrilled he has taken an interest in our very modest operation." Neelix: "If I were you, I'd save the grovelling for the Nagus himself."

Kol: "You, you mean the Grand Nagus is coming here too?" Neelix: "Of course not, you idiot! You two are going to him. You've been recalled." Arridor: "Recalled?" Kol: "We're ruined." Neelix: "You will be leaving immediately." Arridor to the panicking Kol: "This is not a time to lose one's lobes. I'll think of something."

He goes over to Neelix, who is looking around at the treasures.

Neelix turns to them, after biting one of the coins to check its worth.

Kafar is enjoying the scene immensely, seeing the unlikeable Holy Sages being told off. Arridor is more grovelling than ever as he wheedles: "Perhaps the Grand Nagus doesn't understand that profits in this market depend upon our presence. You see, to these people we're, well, gods actually. Without us to make the fools cower in submission, there will be no profits to be had." Neelix: "The Grand Nagus knows all about your little scheme, the Song of the Sages and all the rest of it - very clever. But he wants you and all your acquisitions back on Ferenginar before the wormhole closes again." Arridor: "I'm sure the Grand Nagus wouldn't want to lose such a lucrative revenue stream. The wormhole seems to open and close on its own every seven or eight years." He makes a typical Ferengi move: "We would be willing to forward a fair share of the profits every time it does, say, 20%?"

Kol hurries over to Arridor and hisses: "That's coming out of your half." Arridor hisses back: "Shut up!"

Neelix: "The Grand Nagus has no intention of losing profits from this market. That's why he's already got a team of scientists investigating the Hu-mons' technology to see if we can find a way to open and close the wormhole whenever we want." Arridor: "Then perhaps the Grand Nagus could simply recall one of us and leave the other behind to administer the operation. You could take Kol back with you." Kol: "Hey, wait a minute." Arridor: "I don't think that-"

Neelix: "That's enough! The Grand Nagus has recalled you both. It's non-negotiable. Of course, the Nagus doesn't want to upset the local population. He may want to send others in your place. That's why he wants you to make a little speech telling the people that their Holy Sages have been recalled to the Divine Treasury or whatever it is the people around here call it. Then he wants you to tell them not to worry, that everything will be alright without you. Then he wants you to thank them for their generosity." Arridor: "Thank them?!"

Neelix: "The 299th Rule of Acquisition: 'Whenever you exploit someone, it never hurts to thank them. That way it's easier to exploit them the next time.'" Kol: "Wait a minute. There's only 285 Rules of Acquisition."

Neelix: "You've been gone a very long time. Oh by the way, did I mention that the Nagus is appropriating all your holdings?" Arridor: "What?!" Kol: "All?!" Neelix: "All." Kol, tremulously: "The least you can do is let us keep the females."

Neelix, holding two large bags bulging with frangs: "I'll be back in twenty minutes to approve your speech. I suggest you start writing."

Neelix to Kafar: "You, come with me!" Kafar, grinning: "Of course, Greater Sage." Neelix and Kafar leave.

Kol, miserably: "What are we going to do?" Arridor: "What a Ferengi always does in a situation this grave." Kol: "Panic?" Arridor: "No, you idiot!"

"He goes to the Rules of Acquisition." Kol: "Ah."

Arridor produces the Ferengi equivalent of a PADD. "Unabridged and fully annotated, with all 47 commentaries, all 900 major and minor judgements, all 10,000 considered opinions. There's a Rule for every conceivable situation."

Chakotay and Paris look on as Neelix hands out frangs to the grateful populace. Paris: "Looks like Neelix is pulling off quite a performance."

Neelix, as distributes the money: "And you. There you are. Don't push. There's plenty to go around. Don't worry. There's more than enough."

The Sandal-maker goes up to Kafar. "Is he another Sage?" Kafar replies: "Have you ever seen a Sage give away money?"

Arridor is busy working the data device (the Ferengi equivalent of a PADD). As he does so he sits down and rests one foot on a plushly upholstered stool: "'Grand Proxy - avoidance of'. Mmm. 'Grand Proxy - censure by', 'Grand Proxy - encounters with', 'See hopeless situation.'" Kol: "I told you there was no Rule."

Arridor: "Then it's time to invoke the unwritten rule." Kol: "The unwritten rule?" Arridor: "When no appropriate rule applies, make one up." Kol grins: "Aha, that's a very good rule."

Arridor: "Now, let's see. What should it be? The Grand Proxy is the Nagus' official messenger, right? Mmm. I've got it. 'When the messenger comes to appropriate your profits, kill the messenger.'" Evil laughter.